Time Precious Time

Cancer changes a person. When I read the report and saw the word malignant it completely disrupted me. It was devastating. I was an emotional mess. My whole perception changed. I found this quote and it rings true to me now.

“During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been. It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out. You don't know how you'll answer the door when your groceries are delivered. But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been. You're clear. Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception. Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now it's instantaneous.” ~Melissa Bank

I began regretting any time I had spent away from Darby and the kids including business travel, hiking and backpacking. Darby was gracious and was glad I had the opportunity to do the backpacking and hiking. Time has become a much more precious commodity. While I used to like things now I really just want shared experiences with the ones that I love including of course Darby, Kara, Kaitlin and Jerry, my parents, my sisters etc. also my church family I really wish I could be a more effectual Sheppard. When I was first diagnosed with this disease I was of course devastated and angry and somewhat frightened based upon the statistics, but God is not subject to statistics.

“If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell”. ~Lance Armstrong

I confess that knowing some couples that are have marital issues I began thinking about how they , none of us should waste time on squabbling because we don’t know how much time we have we should honor our commitments and vows and cherish that we have someone who loves us and someone we can love. Remembering always that God loves us even when we are unlovable.

Romans 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet
sinners, Christ died for us.


Now for some news this past week I had another avastin treatment which went fine the doctors office was running behind so we didn’t get out until 5:00pm (we believe he was catching from being gone for 2.5 weeks) The Doctor was relatively pleased with the MRI results and wants to step me down on the steroid again to 1 mg in the morning and one in the evening so be praying that that goes well (I started this on Friday). I asked him about a swine flu vaccine and he said if I can’t get one at work they will give me the vaccine at their office. He also seemed pleased with my gym workout and said that would make me feel better.


On the home front our broken desktop computer decided to start working again(we will see how long that lasts) we are happy about this and I set up file sharing and network printer sharing therefore we can print wirelessly from the laptop upstairs very cool.

MRI

Well this past week I had an MRI and we received the report on the 17th the report was as follows we are of course looking forward to talking to the Dr. about it.

1: The swelling around the tumor has decreased

2: the cyst is somewhat smaller

3: the tumor is there and lights up with the contrast but looks slightly thinner. I.e. the tumor tissue encapsulating the cyst

4: The midline shift in my brain has corrected itself the right brain is no longer being pushed to the left side

An odd side effect of this MRI was that afterward I was more fatigued than before could it be lying still for an hour in the dark lying with my head lower than usual, the radiation or just Psychosomatic. I am not sure but I tried to combat it by walking at a brisk pace doing some exercises and having a snack and a drink.

In other news I had a pretty good week I definitely could tell early in the week that I had an active weekend as I was pretty tired Monday but slept well Monday night and was pretty much reenergized by Tuesday. Even had a couple of people at work independently comment on how well I was walking and at a faster speed one person even asked when I was going to get rid of the cane. I have been doing pretty well on the beverage goals mainly motivated by the hope that hydration will not only make me feel better but will help with chemo in terms of finding and successfully taping into a good vein i.e. minimize the probing and bruising. It is kind of funny I used to nearly pass out when giving blood samples now it is routine to be poked and doesn’t bother me much in fact I can almost watch.

I am still working on setting up new computer and rebuilding old computer. This work used to not be so taxing but now it seems quite hard based on my ability to focus and my limited ability to craw around on the floor to connect and disconnect cables (Darby has been helping with this). I will get it done eventually.

I have been able to go to the gym some and I walk on the treadmill I give myself a pretty good workout and the treadmill keeps me honest it is hard to cheat on a treadmill the workout is similar to the following profile( sometimes varies based on how I feel) . Even though it is not running I still get a therapeutic work out. After the treadmill I do some weight training with my left leg since it is still weak.
Minutes---incline----speed
0-5 ---------- .5 --------1.7
5-10 ------- 1.0-------- 1.8
10-15 -------1.5 --------1.9
15-20-------2.0-------- 2.0
20-25-------2.5-------- 2.1
25-30-------3.0-------- 2.3
30-35------ 3.5 -------- 2.5
35-40 cool down


While this is pretty long post I guess I have more that say then I realized one thing I really like about where we live is the wildlife. We have the occasional visit by the flock of wild turkeys. We have in the past had a gray fox visit the back yard and of course skunks and deer we now have a resident groundhog and this week we had a visit by a red fox which was trying to get the ground hog, a failed attempt. Anyway I like the wildlife.

introduction

As I start this blog I do so mainly as a release for some of my thoughts if others get insight into what I am thinking and where I am all the better I have nothing to hide in this regard .While I feared this may have turned into a negative blog about my condition As I reflect upon it I think it may actually help me keep things in perspective. And writing the entries is therapy for my left hand interms of typing and therapy for my attitude in terms of counting my blessings . So with regard to the title I considered several such as

Lost dreams- to negative besides you never need to lose your dreams that is
why they are dreams

Reflections - to generic

Ended up with pensive ponderings based on the following


Merriam Webster –pensive -- suggestive of sad thoughtfulness

This because one has to admit there is a negative aspect to
what has happened to me



Merriam Webster –ponder -- to weigh in the mind

This because the wise man weights out the negative and the
positive and whole plan of God having confidence there is a
plan.